Sunday, June 8, 2014

I'm pregnant..

            Okay, okay I'm not, but I want to be. Kind of. Hank is 11 months old today. I always wanted to have my kids close, 18 months apart close. That didn't work out too well with Jayah but after I had Hank I thought 'If I am going to have another baby I am going to do it soon!" Well here I am at soon, and I am not sure what to do. I think it’s a lot easier to make the decision not to have a kid then to have one. 

           My last two made the decision for me. They decided when they wanted to come and then they came. I love that they are my blessing babies. I knew before I even missed my period with both of them that they were on their way. With Jayah I was swimming at my brother’s condo and I got this feeling, it was as if Jayah was there with me. I told her dad to go get me a test which he did thinking I must be joking. He sat outside the door and I peed on the stick and the second I saw the plus sign I opened the door and said. “We’re having a baby girl.” I knew her from that moment on because she was with me. With Hank it was similar I felt his pull for a while but there was NO way I was having another baby... then the day I was supposed to get my monthly little friend I was blow drying my hair in my camper sized bathroom and I looked over at Jayah playing on the floor outside the door and the thought came to me, “In nine months she’s gonna have a baby brother and I am going to call him Hank and he's gonna make me laugh, a lot.” And sure enough another pink plus sign.  

            Sometimes (every night for the last two weeks) I secretly hope that it will just happen that way again. That all of the sudden I will just feel her kick me. Of course it doesn’t make sense right now for us to have a baby, not that it necessarily did before.  But we do have a long list of why nots: I have an 11 month old, we just moved, my insurance isn’t great, I have still haven't lost the baby weight from Hank (it took me four years last time, come on five pounds!) I am still working, our budget is tight, our Sealing clearance hasn’t come through from Shawn’s ex and not having CC around makes our family feel broken up. The last one is the one that really gets me. Why would I bring another baby into our family when we have so many issues with the family we have now? Shawn’s big one is “Let’s wait until we get sealed” which is tentatively set for this fall but who knows since we’ve had to push it back several times due to “paper work”.

            So here I am sitting at soon but with more I should waits than I’d like. I’ll keep praying that if she is supposed to come she will and maybe in the next few months I will wake up with and know it’s time to take that test.

            Until then I am so lucky that part of my job description says that I get to hang out with this brand new joy from heaven all summer long!


Welcome to the family Brady! Bor yesterday June 7, 2014 6 pounds 12 ounces 19 inches long! 






2 comments:

  1. I love your posts! I don't read them often enough. I hope you have a baby soon :) I love your kdis so much! I hope I can feel my babies like you did yours.

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  2. What how have I never read this until today?!?! I love this so so much and secretly hope another baby falls Into your uterus :)

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